Confessions of my reflection

I just remembered what I used to think,
Before I forgot,
what I had no choice but to believe,
Or hope to believe,
Once a lady said to me,
After I thought there had to be a reason,
She said,
You have a destiny,
But why would anyone listen to you,
If you have not learned,
If you don’t know what it is to struggle?
It made sense,
I have no idea what this destiny could be,
But i hope it’s real,
And i hope it finds me,
And somehow it makes this struggle worth it,
Well, that’s something.
Something to hold onto,
I just have to work on believing it now,
And remembering it tomorrow.

**me**

Just when you think you can’t carry one more thing, You do, because it’s all strapped to your back and your legs and your arms,

it’s all you can do… Or fall and kill little pieces of loved ones on the way down, There’s no way out. You’d think I’d get stronger, Like a weight lifter…. **me**

I thought I was stuck at the bottom,
I’ve been there before,
You’d think I’d remember it,
But now I realise that this,
is a different hole,
It’s stickier,
And with one false bottom,
Already found,
I’m afraid there is another…

**me**

Just when you think,
It couldn’t get worse…
I know it sounds chliche,
But I think I am cursed,
No matter what I try,
Or how good I am,
It all turns to shit,
I’m sure I am damned.
Bad luck is my companion,
Wrong place, wrong time,
Now the tears wont stop coming,
How hard can I try?
I’ve run out of steam,
I don’t want to wake up,
But for them I’ll keep going,
Because they give a fuck….
Endure
Endure
Endure
Endure
Endure…
Is there some honour in it?
Is there something in it?
There has to be something in it…
For me…
Some lessons?
Fuck that, I’ve learned enough,
Enough of bad anyway,
Maybe one day I’ll see…
That’s what I used to think,
I used to say I’d payed
my Karma in advance,
But there seems no end to this,
I’m so tired…
**me**

I don’t want to hate myself anymore,
I try so hard,
Look in the mirror,
make myself pretty,
take a photo,
upload it to Facebook
wait and watch
as people tell me
I’m pretty.
Just a good angle…
I tell myself,
I know it took me 100 shots to get that one.
Remember my achievements,
they have all passed,
remember where i got to,
before it all fell away,
remember my friends,
they are fantastic
but they don’t know my darkness,
Remember my lovers
before they left
or i threw them away.
Remember how i let myself down,
look in the mirror at all my flaws,
remember what i should’ve done but i didn’t,
remember the bills that i haven’t paid.
Remember the shoes and dresses i own,
remember how they hide what I’m revolted by,
remember he loved me…
Just not enough,
remember they lied,
remember all the ways I’ve been tortured,
remember how they wanted to make me cry.
Remember when i cried that it never made them stop,
remember his hands around my throat,
remember how he loved me,
remember how i survived
and put on my lipstick and favourite top.
Remember that i walk out into the world…
Most days, with a smile
and how being around them makes me forget
the hole that i hide in,
the shit that i wallow in,
the secret world i can’t let anyone into.
My home,
Remember i am surviving,
another day just passed as proof,
remember tomorrow is coming
and wish it wouldn’t.
Wish for a thousand yesterdays
and times before…
If there were any.
Remember there weren’t.
Remember how they loved me,
remember how they hated me,
remember when they turned.
Remember the good times,
remember the times i don’t remember,
and just imagine how disgusting i must’ve been,
remember i am beautiful,
remember how they envy me,
Remember how I hate it,
If only they knew the truth…
remember how they’ve burned me,
Remember how i turned it around and felt good,
That one time,
Just for a while,
Remember i can feel happy,
remember i felt empowered and strong…
For just a minute….
A long time ago…
When I was stoned and my friends were tough.
Remember what happened to them,
remember i didn’t follow,
remember i escaped…
Not because I wanted to really,
Because I couldn’t let my parents down,
Anymore than I do,
Remember where i am now,
don’t cry.
Look in the mirror,
make myself beautiful,
go to the shops with my ipod,
infuse myself with the music,
Get my swag on choosing brands of milk,
try to suck some faith,
from the wandering eyes of men
and random compliments
from shop keepers on my style…
I like those boots,
where did you get them?
Yes. I am awesome.
I don’t want to go home.
***me***

Beneath this skin hides endless scars,
the garden beds of diamond hearts,
Glistening lips and nails and hair,
disguise all traces of despair,
Beyond my walls and through illusion,
lies power fueled by disillusion,
Strong and fragile, caged and free,
Forever changing, always me.

**me**

Flashy fingertips and mouldy dishes,

Shiny hair and shattered wishes,

Thick eyeliner and tear-full tissues,

Designer jeans and endless issues,

Lustrous lips and a floor covered in shit,

Sky high stilettos and no food in the fridge,

Dresses to envy and no clean underwear,

Perfect pronunciation and inside I swear,

See my reflection, SEE my reflection.

**me**

I cry out not to be alone,

to find arms to wrap around me,

a man to feel me and fill me,

then I give of myself, too much

and what I’m not ready to surrender,

if ever… and then,

I feel desolated, barren of love,

and a deeper sorrow and loneliness,

as I have been a fool again.

It seems even I have deserted myself,

and have only myself to berate.

I feel corroded at the core of my being,

but I smell peaches on the hands of pan,

and hungry, let them fill me,

yet time and time again find no sustenance,

just a fleeting sniff of love and pleasure,

which turns rancid and tastes as it smells,

the fruit has spines that cut and tear,

and I am weakened and dizzy from them.

and I remind myself…

The gift from pan means pain in the end,

there is no gift, but the price to pay him…

But I already knew that right?

I cry out not to be alone,

and to find arms to wrap around me,

a man to feel me and fill me,

then I give of myself, too much

and what I’m not ready to surrender,

if ever… and then,

I feel desolated, barren of love,

and a deeper sorrow and loneliness,

as I have been a fool again.

It seems even I have deserted myself,

and have only myself to berate.

I feel corroded at the core of my being,

but I smell peaches on the hands of pan,

and hungry, let them fill me,

yet time and time again find no sustenance,

just a fleeting sniff of love and pleasure,

which turns rancid and tastes as it smells,

the fruit has spines that cut and tear,

and I am weakened and dizzy from them.

and I remind myself…

The gift from pan means pain in the end,

there is no gift, but the price to pay him…

But I already knew that right?

I cry out…..

**me**

I know my feelings for love are confused,

I equate being loved with being used;

Knowing I’m loved and having love near,

with being controlled and living in fear;

knowing it’s real and there’s something to gain,

with giving you me and excepting the pain,

knowing that I’m the one that you choose,

with being owned and feeling bruised.

** me **

God, I’m sinking in quicksand at the bottom of a very black hole. My tunnel is a well. The light is just a pinprick so far above me. My eyes can barely make it out anymore… I’m not even sure if it’s still there but I’m still straining to see it and hope that it is. I’ve been trying so long and hard to keep my eyes on it that I’m afraid it might be a figment of my imagination. Something still, deep inside me screams “it’s going to be okay, something’s going to happen. Something is going to save you and if it isn’t can it just be over quickly because I’m getting tired of this screaming and breathing and trying to hold on”. This constant concentration, this constant struggle to keep my eyes on that tiny little pin prick of a light… sometimes I swear it’s gone… but I’m not dead yet… is this a nightmare? No. This thickness around my body, this heaviness is my life and it’s real and I can’t get out… sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting for the darkness to swallow me, till I finally go under. It’s like a cruel torturing joke that I’m stuck here alone in this blackness with mud up to my ears and just the sounds of everyone saying you create your own destiny, you make your own choices, you are what you believe, you attract what you desire, you can do whatever you want, taunting me… I did not choose this, I do not want this, I have tried and tried and I’ve climbed and I’ve believed and I’ve been an unwavering survivor but things beyond my control and beyond my power keep pushing me down. I did not do this to myself. It is not my fault. I want to scream at those voices “you small minded, naive, judgmental, delusional fucks! You princes and princesses of charmed lives, what the fuck would you know about hardship and trauma, what the fuck would you know about my life and what it is like to suffer at the hands of others, I attract this you say? You’re attracting a big fat punch in the fucking face! I hate you! I hate you; not for being happy but for calling yourselves better, for having better cards come your way. Fuck you.” but I smile and say “Oh you look gorgeous, I’m going to the bar, what are you drinking? my shout babe.” 

**me**