Confessions of my reflection

I understand how children can make a man,
Cos i know men and I SEE my father
Despite all the differences,
Despite all the bad,
He became a hero when he became dad.

My hero, my enemy, my hero, my enemy…. But my hero once defeated.. Always my dad

What use is a heart that wont quiet,
When it screams at a wall to move.

The Mermaid

A Mermaid swam amongst the sharks,

with poison in her scales,

if they didn’t bite,

they’d never know,

and I couldn’t tell her tale.

**me**

I love to play on the tracks with you,

knowing a train might come,

the snap of the rocks,

the warmth of the sun,

the thrill, we might have to run…

I won’t just jump in front of it,

knowing what I’d become,

sure there’d be a rush,

but where would be the fun?

** me **

I just remembered what I used to think,
Before I forgot,
what I had no choice but to believe,
Or hope to believe,
Once a lady said to me,
After I thought there had to be a reason,
She said,
You have a destiny,
But why would anyone listen to you,
If you have not learned,
If you don’t know what it is to struggle?
It made sense,
I have no idea what this destiny could be,
But i hope it’s real,
And i hope it finds me,
And somehow it makes this struggle worth it,
Well, that’s something.
Something to hold onto,
I just have to work on believing it now,
And remembering it tomorrow.

**me**

Just when you think you can’t carry one more thing, You do, because it’s all strapped to your back and your legs and your arms,

it’s all you can do… Or fall and kill little pieces of loved ones on the way down, There’s no way out. You’d think I’d get stronger, Like a weight lifter…. **me**

I thought I was stuck at the bottom,
I’ve been there before,
You’d think I’d remember it,
But now I realise that this,
is a different hole,
It’s stickier,
And with one false bottom,
Already found,
I’m afraid there is another…

**me**

Just when you think,
It couldn’t get worse…
I know it sounds chliche,
But I think I am cursed,
No matter what I try,
Or how good I am,
It all turns to shit,
I’m sure I am damned.
Bad luck is my companion,
Wrong place, wrong time,
Now the tears wont stop coming,
How hard can I try?
I’ve run out of steam,
I don’t want to wake up,
But for them I’ll keep going,
Because they give a fuck….
Endure
Endure
Endure
Endure
Endure…
Is there some honour in it?
Is there something in it?
There has to be something in it…
For me…
Some lessons?
Fuck that, I’ve learned enough,
Enough of bad anyway,
Maybe one day I’ll see…
That’s what I used to think,
I used to say I’d payed
my Karma in advance,
But there seems no end to this,
I’m so tired…
**me**

Dog’s breakfast, thinking, typing and randomly hitting enter… i’m sure this could look something like a poem with some time…. perhaps it’s dribble like this that should never see light….

I don’t want to hate myself anymore,
I try so hard,
Look in the mirror,
make myself pretty,
take a photo,
upload it to Facebook
wait and watch
as people tell me
I’m pretty.
Just a good angle…
I tell myself,
I know it took me 100 shots to get that one.
Remember my achievements,
they have all passed,
remember where i got to,
before it all fell away,
remember my friends,
they are fantastic
but they don’t know my darkness,
Remember my lovers
before they left
or i threw them away.
Remember how i let myself down,
look in the mirror at all my flaws,
remember what i should’ve done but i didn’t,
remember the bills that i haven’t paid.
Remember the shoes and dresses i own,
remember how they hide what I’m revolted by,
remember he loved me…
Just not enough,
remember they lied,
remember all the ways I’ve been tortured,
remember how they wanted to make me cry.
Remember when i cried that it never made them stop,
remember his hands around my throat,
remember how he loved me,
remember how i survived
and put on my lipstick and favourite top.
Remember that i walk out into the world…
Most days, with a smile
and how being around them makes me forget
the hole that i hide in,
the shit that i wallow in,
the secret world i can’t let anyone into.
My home,
Remember i am surviving,
another day just passed as proof,
remember tomorrow is coming
and wish it wouldn’t.
Wish for a thousand yesterdays
and times before…
If there were any.
Remember there weren’t.
Remember how they loved me,
remember how they hated me,
remember when they turned.
Remember the good times,
remember the times i don’t remember,
and just imagine how disgusting i must’ve been,
remember i am beautiful,
remember how they envy me,
Remember how I hate it,
If only they knew the truth…
remember how they’ve burned me,
Remember how i turned it around and felt good,
That one time,
Just for a while,
Remember i can feel happy,
remember i felt empowered and strong…
For just a minute….
A long time ago…
When I was stoned and my friends were tough.
Remember what happened to them,
remember i didn’t follow,
remember i escaped…
Not because I wanted to really,
Because I couldn’t let my parents down,
Anymore than I do,
Remember where i am now,
don’t cry.
Look in the mirror,
make myself beautiful,
go to the shops with my ipod,
infuse myself with the music,
Get my swag on choosing brands of milk,
try to suck some faith,
from the wandering eyes of men
and random compliments
from shop keepers on my style…
I like those boots,
where did you get them?
Yes. I am awesome.
I don’t want to go home.
***me***